Long story, short, he is the caregiver of his wife who was in a car accident over 30 years ago and has endured 70+ surgeries, over 9 million in medical bills and amputation of both legs among many other issues.
So, obviously he has a lot of experience being a caregiver for someone he loves. He brought so much fun and laughter to those of us who are or will be caregivers for a loved one. He also had a lot of wonderful advice on how to not lose yourself in the mist of being the caregiver. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about today. Instead, I wanted to talk about a question that somebody asked during the question and answer period. It is something that still bothers me several days later.
The question?
How do you feel appreciated when the person can no longer tell you they appreicate you?
You could tell that Peter was a bit surprised by that question. I was, too.
As caregivers, we aren't doing what we do to get appreciation from the person we are taking care of. If that is the reason you are taking care of the person, you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Today, I cook dinner for my husband, do his laundry and clean the house because I love him. Yes, I do like it when he tells me thanks for doing that or says that he appreciates me, but I am not doing it to seek his love and appreciation.
I don't mean to make light of the fact that being a caregiver is hard work and can be one of the most thankless jobs out there. It is tough and overwhelming and tiring and emotionally draining and so many other things. It can be made even worse when the person cannot tell you thanks for the wonderful job you are doing. However, I don't think you should be doing the job if you are seeking appreciation and thanks from the person you are taking care of. If you have reached the point that you are feeling unappreciated for all of the hard work you doing to care for a person whose brain is being destroyed by his or her own body, are you truly providing the best care for the person?
Later that night, Robert made it a point to say that he already appreciates everything that I am going to do for him because he knows there will come a day when he won't be able to tell me that. My response was that I will not be doing it for his appreciation but out of love for him.
I will also say that I do appreciate Robert's brother for all the tine he spent taking care of their mother. I know that it was not an easy but he did a great job. I also know that their mother appreciated it a lot and was very appreciative of all he did, even if she couldn't tell him she was herself.
Finally, I will leave you with the words of Peter himself as found in his book Hope for the Caregiver.
The one we care for may not recognize or even appreciate what we do on their behalf,
AND THAT'S OKAY -
If we love them we're doing it for their benefit, not ours.
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