To Have or Not to Have

If you knew that by having a child, you could be handing them a death sentence, would you do it? If there was a 50/50 chance, would you be willing to take the risk? If you knew that there was a way that you could almost guarantee your child not be born with the same disease that has inflicted you, would you be willing to do something that goes against everything you believe in?
These are the question that Robert and I struggled with even before we got engaged. We wanted to have children. We like that idea of that tangible proof of our love for each other. On the other hand, we weren’t sure that we wanted to subject our children to the grief and pain that Robert faced with his mother. It was a gut wrenching decision.
One thing that I found out was if we chose to do in vitro fertilization, there was a way to minimize the risk of our child contracting HD. Prior to insemination, a test would be done on the embryos to determine if they had the HD mutation. Any embryos that were determined to have the genetic mutation would be discarded. At first, we thought that was an option, but the more we thought about it, the more we struggled with it. Deciding which embryos to keep and which ones to get rid of because they did not did not have a genetic mutation was playing God. We were taking the decision out of our Maker’s hands and that was not up to us to decide.
In the end, we decided to rely completely on God. If it was part of His plans for us to have children, then we would. If He decided that that was not what was in store for us, then that was the way it was to be. If we had a child that was born with the abnormality on her chromosome, then that is the way it was supposed to be.
We spent a year and a half trying for a child and in the end, it didn’t happen. In the course of trying, it was determined that I had some health issues that would not be easily overcome without risk to me and any child that I might have. In the end, it was taken out of our hands. That doesn’t mean that we don’t feel some moments of sadness or regret that we were not able to have a child, but we know that this life is the life that God has planned for us.
Someone else facing the choices we did may come to a different conclusion. For them, that is the choice that is the best for them. I do not judge them for the choices they make. I do understand it is not an easy choice and each couple has to make the decision that is best for them.