I am Not That Strong

A co-worker/friend and I were talking today about having kids. I made the comment that I wasn't able to have children. She asked if we had thought about adoption. I said know and explained to her why not. Ya know, Robert having HD and not being able to go through an agency and not being rich enough for private. She asked some questions and I explained what it is to her as best I could. Imagine my surprise when she said she had never heard of Huntington's Disease (insert sarcasm here) Anyway, she told me that I was one strong lady to be willing to take this on.

I simply replied that I don't see it that way.

I don't think I am strong for being willing to do it. In fact, I often worry about what is going to happen and if I am going to be able to handle it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Granted, I have a good idea of what it will be like, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy when the time comes. It does worry me that it will all be too overwhelming for me and I won't be able to cope. And considering how frustrated both Robert and I would often get with Robert's bother, I often worry about how well I really will be able to cope with everything.

I already know that because of my own personal health issues, I will never be able to be the primary caregiver in his life. I will have to hire a nurse to do most of the major stuff like bathing and dressing and anything else that will require any lifting or so forth as it is. I am no where near strong enough to do all of that for him. Plus, the physical effects of my arthritis will make that even more impossible as I get older. So that adds another layer of worries. What if my health deteriorates faster than his? Robert often says that for all we know, he may be the one that has to take care of me in our old age.

However, I have faith that God will help us through all of this. Regardless of which way it turns out. He wouldn't have put us together if it wasn't part of some divine plan that we are meant to live out together. So, I know that when the time comes and Robert's disease advances to more serious stages, with God's strength and love, I will get through it.

And besides, we have had eight wonderful years of marriage and I am looking forward to many more years to come. I wouldn't give up the nine years that we have been together for anything. I have been truly blessed to have Robert in my life and will enjoy every second of it as long as I can.

In the end, all we really have is today. For all we know, one of us might be hit by a car crossing the street tomorrow. I do not know what the future holds, but I have faith that God does and He will be with us every step of the way. My strength for dealing with future will not come from any piece of me personally but from The Lord living inside of me.

When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:2-3 MSG)

Ten Years Later

It has been ten years since we had to say good-bye to my grandmother. Ten years that she has been living pain free from the cancer that had taken over her body. Ten years that she has been praising Jesus in Heaven.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that she died and it was like loosing her all over again. The pain was real and very intense.  I felt like I was transported back to that day ten years ago when I was stopped by the hospice nurse heading back to her room to say that she had gone. I just couldn't believe it.  I woke up grateful that it was a dream. I didn't want to relive that pain again.

After ten years, it doesn't mean that I don't think about her on a regular basis or miss her any less. I still wish she was here today. I wish that I could talk to her or go visit her like I used to. I wish that she had the chance to meet Robert. But, she wouldn't want me to live my life wishing for what might have been. Instead, she would want me to take the time to remember her and think of her, but not to waste it being sad because she isn't with us.

And that is what I try to remember the most. We cannot live our lives being dwelling on the past and that the person is no longer with us. Instead, we have to remember all the wonderful times we had together. Remember all the wonderful times that were shared together. I can still hear her words of wisdom, comfort, praise and discipline as I live my day to day life.

I know she is watching over me and is happy for the person that I have become and that I have continued to live my life instead of wondering what might have been. It does not make the pain of loosing her any less and it doesn't mean I still do not miss here. I will always miss her until I get to see her again in heaven.  But, I take heart in knowing that a part of her will always be with me and remembering all those wonderful memories that I spent nearly 27 years creating with her.  I am better person for it and will always consider myself lucky to have had her in my life for the time I did.