Ten Years Later

It has been ten years since we had to say good-bye to my grandmother. Ten years that she has been living pain free from the cancer that had taken over her body. Ten years that she has been praising Jesus in Heaven.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that she died and it was like loosing her all over again. The pain was real and very intense.  I felt like I was transported back to that day ten years ago when I was stopped by the hospice nurse heading back to her room to say that she had gone. I just couldn't believe it.  I woke up grateful that it was a dream. I didn't want to relive that pain again.

After ten years, it doesn't mean that I don't think about her on a regular basis or miss her any less. I still wish she was here today. I wish that I could talk to her or go visit her like I used to. I wish that she had the chance to meet Robert. But, she wouldn't want me to live my life wishing for what might have been. Instead, she would want me to take the time to remember her and think of her, but not to waste it being sad because she isn't with us.

And that is what I try to remember the most. We cannot live our lives being dwelling on the past and that the person is no longer with us. Instead, we have to remember all the wonderful times we had together. Remember all the wonderful times that were shared together. I can still hear her words of wisdom, comfort, praise and discipline as I live my day to day life.

I know she is watching over me and is happy for the person that I have become and that I have continued to live my life instead of wondering what might have been. It does not make the pain of loosing her any less and it doesn't mean I still do not miss here. I will always miss her until I get to see her again in heaven.  But, I take heart in knowing that a part of her will always be with me and remembering all those wonderful memories that I spent nearly 27 years creating with her.  I am better person for it and will always consider myself lucky to have had her in my life for the time I did.