I am Not That Strong

A co-worker/friend and I were talking today about having kids. I made the comment that I wasn't able to have children. She asked if we had thought about adoption. I said know and explained to her why not. Ya know, Robert having HD and not being able to go through an agency and not being rich enough for private. She asked some questions and I explained what it is to her as best I could. Imagine my surprise when she said she had never heard of Huntington's Disease (insert sarcasm here) Anyway, she told me that I was one strong lady to be willing to take this on.

I simply replied that I don't see it that way.

I don't think I am strong for being willing to do it. In fact, I often worry about what is going to happen and if I am going to be able to handle it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Granted, I have a good idea of what it will be like, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy when the time comes. It does worry me that it will all be too overwhelming for me and I won't be able to cope. And considering how frustrated both Robert and I would often get with Robert's bother, I often worry about how well I really will be able to cope with everything.

I already know that because of my own personal health issues, I will never be able to be the primary caregiver in his life. I will have to hire a nurse to do most of the major stuff like bathing and dressing and anything else that will require any lifting or so forth as it is. I am no where near strong enough to do all of that for him. Plus, the physical effects of my arthritis will make that even more impossible as I get older. So that adds another layer of worries. What if my health deteriorates faster than his? Robert often says that for all we know, he may be the one that has to take care of me in our old age.

However, I have faith that God will help us through all of this. Regardless of which way it turns out. He wouldn't have put us together if it wasn't part of some divine plan that we are meant to live out together. So, I know that when the time comes and Robert's disease advances to more serious stages, with God's strength and love, I will get through it.

And besides, we have had eight wonderful years of marriage and I am looking forward to many more years to come. I wouldn't give up the nine years that we have been together for anything. I have been truly blessed to have Robert in my life and will enjoy every second of it as long as I can.

In the end, all we really have is today. For all we know, one of us might be hit by a car crossing the street tomorrow. I do not know what the future holds, but I have faith that God does and He will be with us every step of the way. My strength for dealing with future will not come from any piece of me personally but from The Lord living inside of me.

When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:2-3 MSG)